Saudade
by Lothian
Summary: Shikamaru had left it to late. The best time to tell someone you love them is before someone else does. And he was too slow. Neji was trapped now, beating his wings hopelessly against the bars. Bars melded by the Hyuuga Elders. Caged again. ShikaNeji.
1. Cold

**I do not own NARUTO (:**

**Ages: 19/20/21**

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Neji was developing a throbbing migraine. Hiashi's words were like a drill. Boring in to his brain, drilling holes in his skull.

"… So in conclusion Neji, our clan Elders have decided that Hyuuga Hiroko would be your best candidate."

A strange gut jerking sensation followed these words. Neji stared again at the portrait of the woman. She was pretty he supposed. Long brown hair, and dark lavender eyes, unusual for a Hyuuga. But she was a blank. A piece which did not exist in Neji's life.

Hiashi was watching Neji's expression anxiously. Obviously he had gotten rid of all the candidates who he knew Neji would hate.

"Why her again?"

"Her Byakugan is the most advanced. Of all the females in our Branch she is the most powerful."

"The Main Branch?" That had Neji's attention.

Hiashi glanced towards the door. Neji did not fail to notice it. Checking for an exit, if things get nasty.

"Well… If you two were to have children, they would not be branded. This means they would grow up without a limit to their power, and given your strength, they would indeed be, brilliant successors if Hinata and Hanabi have no children."

Neji could feel a rage, like molten lava building up inside of him.

"To improve the Hyuuga House's reputation? Improve their image? To even out the two mistakes you produced?" Neji had not meant to say it. He had not meant to insult Hinata and Hanabi so bitterly.

He knew the pain would come before he had a chance to apologize.

His vision blurred. He fell sideways from his kneeling position, clutching his head, wanting it to end, wanting to not exist. The pain seared across his forehead. He was powerless, all his dignity and composure stripped from him. It was like ripping a band aid of, removing the top layer of skin, and what lay underneath was never pretty.

The pain subsided.

"Do not, ever, _ever_ talk about my daughters like that Hyuuga Neji. You have no choice anymore. The matter is settled. Hyuuga Hiroko will meet you soon enough, I will be able to give you the date and time tomorrow. Remove yourself from my presence. Now."

Neji peeled himself from the unforgiving floorboards.

'Damn it.' His composure had slipped. His anger had surfaced. He had revealed himself, and had been rejected. He had said no, and he had been ignored.

Neji headed toward where his bedroom was situated, weaving through the maze of corridors. Once there, he went to bathroom, and washed his face. He scrubbed his forehead ruthlessly, a subconscious act, as though he wanted to remove the damned seal which stripped him of everything he had worked to hard to attain.

**…**

Shikamaru was playing a game of Shougi with himself. The last time he had done this, was when he had come up with the plan to kill Kakuzu and Hidan.

He rubbed his forehead in frustration. This was not supposed to happen to him. All because of some stupid emotion that refused to go away. Shikamaru shook his head, as though trying to shake a memory from his mind.

'Just forget about him. Forget about the damned bastard. Focus on this game.'

"Trying to forget someone you love, is like trying to forget someone you never met, you know."

Shikamaru started.

"Chouji, what the hell, are you trying to kill me?"

"You would have noticed me if you hadn't been so preoccupied." Then an evil grin stretched across Chouji's face. "So you do love him?"

"I don't. It's just some troublesome hormones acting up."

Chouji surveyed Shikamaru, unconvinced. Then, "We were going to have a barbecue Shikamaru, all of us, Gaara's come to visit, Naruto's idea. Do you want to come?"

Shikamaru considered the possibility. On the one hand he's see that damn bastard there, but on the other hand, he needed some distraction. And it wasn't like there wouldn't be other people there to provide the distraction he needed.

"Yeah, why not."

"Good, it's gonna be at Ino's, five o'clock, see you there." Chouji strolled down the path, then stopped and yelled "Bring FOOD, Shikamaru!" and then he was gone.

Shikamaru growled in anger. Now he had to go to his parents and ask his mum to cook something.

With a bitter 'troublesome' Shikamaru moved to tidy away his Shougi board, and, as he left he gazed up at the sky. The clouds were less comforting today.

**…**

"Naruto… Put it down." Neji did not even look up from his paperwork.

"Ah, sorry."

This was Hinata's fault. If she had just told Naruto Neji was out he would be fine, but Hinata, always wanting to help her Naruto led the blond straight to Neji's room. Now Naruto picked things up, prodded scrolls only to yell in surprise when a shower of needles headed his way.

"Anyway, as I was saying, would you like to come?"

Neji rubbed his temples before looking over at Naruto.

"Why should I?" Hurt flickered in Naruto's eyes for a moment but then he grinned.

"Because we want you to be there."

"Why?" This question startled Naruto somewhat.

"Uhh… Well you're a good guy. It would be awesome to have you there." A peculiar emotion twisted it's way across Neji's face, but then it was gone.

"What time is it?" This was as good as a grateful yes from Neji.

"Five." Neji considered.

"I will try to be there on time."

"Great." Naruto's usual grin was back in place.

"See you there." Naruto made to leave but stopped suddenly, attention caught by something.

"If it's a scroll I would leave it Naruto, they're Ten-Ten's creation, poison. Best not to touch."

"Is this your mum and dad?" Neji's head snapped up.

Naruto was holding a picture, very gently as though cradling a baby.

The photo was faded, old, in it there stood a man, all angles and planes of ivory skin, proud, arm around a pretty young woman with long curly brown hair. Her eyes were Neji's eyes exactly. Long lashes, big doe's eyes. In her arms, she held a bundle of blue cloth. At one end of it could be seen a small hand and a tuft of brown hair.

"Yes."

"Wow." Naruto stared longingly at the photo.

He shook his head.

"They must be pretty proud of you, wherever they are."

Neji was not sure what to say to this. Instead he remained silent.

"Well, I better be off Neji, I'll see you at Ino's place alright? Later."

The Uzumaki left the room, leaving a peculiar mixture of feelings, which had rippled through Neji at the sight of the photo. He had thought he had lost his parent's photograph, yet here it was again, a miracle, he had searched weeks for it, even going so far as to activate his Byakugan in search of it. And then one loud mouth blonde march in to his room, prying through his belongings and found it. Once again Naruto had changed Neji's view of things.

**…**

"How long do we still have Chouji?"

A shifting from his left side told Shikamaru Chouji was checking his watch.

"We still have thirty-seven minutes."

"Good."

"Chouji…"

"Hmm?"

"What does love feel like? You know… When you see Ino and when she sees you… What's it like?"

Chouji gazed down in concern at his friend. Shikamaru was never usually so philosophical about things. And then he realized. Shikamaru had lied. Shikamaru's attraction towards Neji hadn't just developed over the last few months. It must have been going on for a while. But over the last few months Shikamaru had probably realized what he felt.

"It feels like that strange feeling… Well… I don't know. It feels like a lot of things. Depends on the situation I guess. I suppose it's when you care more if someone else lives than you do about yourself."

"That's a pretty suicidal feeling."

Chouji laughed.

"No. It's just when you want to protect them."

Silence stretched comfortably between the two.

"Time's up."

"Right." Shikamaru peeled himself from the ground. Then a thought struck him.

"Chouji?"

"Yeah?"

"Why did you tell Ino you loved her?"

Chouji considered.

"Because I was scared someone else would before I had the chance to."

**…**

Neji was so far away. He was there in the physical, but… vacant in expression. He ate and drank as though not really aware of doing so. Gaara and Naruto were busy trying drink as much as alcohol as was possible. And the rest never noticed. Lee sometimes threw an anxious glance in Neji's direction, hoping to catch the Hyuuga's eye.

Always failing.

Shikamaru stood.

"Neji."

Mercury eyes, so much like the clouds and the sky met his gaze.

"Yes?"

"Would you like to go for a walk?"

Neji considered. He looked around. Nobody was paying any attention to them, except Lee, who gave Neji a small encouraging smile.

"Okay."

He stood gracefully, tucked a strand of hair behind his ear, and walked in the direction towards the forest.

"What's the matter Neji?"

"I'm sure, I have no idea what you're talking about."

"You know what I'm talking about, what's with the weird attitude, you're more withdrawn than usual, what's happened?"

"Nothing."

"Tell me the truth. What's happened?"

"Nothing."

"Then why the attitude, something must have happened." Get him angry and he'll snap.

"Nothing."

"What happened?"

Neji twisted to face Shikamaru.

"It's not what's happened, it's what's going to happen, in six months! Happy?"

Shikamaru was quiet for a moment, giving Neji time to breath and collect himself, and his thoughts.

"What's going to happen?"

"Marriage. At twenty-one. Father at twenty-two. It's all decided for me. Never a fucking choice with me."

The swear word gave Shikamaru some indication of how bitter Neji was, but he didn't really register it. Neji… Married. Neji taken away from him. From everyone. A horrible emotion raised its head. Loss. He hadn't felt like this since Asuma had died. Loss. Bitter. It opened up old wounds, brought back old memories, opened up a hole in his chest, left him vulnerable.

"Neji…"

Shikamaru had not meant to say it. But it felt good, like an antidote for the feeling of having a black hole in his stomach.

Neji shot Shikamaru a questioning look.

"Yes?"

Shikamaru wished he hadn't looked over afterwards. But he did. He looked over at Neji. And Neji looked so open. So exposed. The ghost of a child stared through the silvery eyes, completely unspoiled by shit like Main and Branch, and seal or no seal.

And then Shikamaru did something stupid. He made Neji stop walking, and he guided the Hyuuga in to an alley, and then he kissed him.

It was weird and electrifying, like falling from a considerable height, or waking up from a nightmare.

Feels like flying...' Neji's thoughts were a mixed jumble of words. Completely illogical.

And when it was over Neji did not push Shikamaru away. Instead he remained completely still, like a deer caught in headlights, waiting for reality of what they had done to come crashing into the pair of them.

**AN: I'm sorry if there are any grammatical errors... I swear grammatical is not a word. But please try to ignore them, I am half asleep at the moment . Constructive criticism is appreciated.**


	2. Warmth

**AN: Brrr, it is vair cold :( **

**Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter, as always constructive criticism is appreciated!**

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"What… What have you done?"

Shikamaru did not say anything. He didn't know what he had done, did not understand why he had felt the need to do it.

"_Answer_ me." Neji's tone had changed, was harsher, colder.

"I don't know."

Anger was visible in Neji's face.

"I think you do. What the hell did you do that for?"

Shikamaru sighed, he needed a cigarette, just something to distract him.

"I don't know, Neji. I'm sorry."

Neji blinked. His eyes, the eyes, which Shikamaru found so entrancing, looked confused and upset.

It tugged at Shikamaru's heart strings, made him feel dizzy with guilt.

Then the expression was gone, replaced by a hard, cold look.

"Don't cross the lines." And then he turned, and he was gone.

Shikamaru waited for a few minutes, then he punched the stone wall angrily, bruising his knuckles, but Shikamaru could care less. He had fucked up. Neji wouldn't want to have anything to do with him from now on, would probably never look him in the eyes again. He had lost him.

**…**

Neji stepped into the shower, turned the tap on full blast, and let the boiling water scald his body. Neji could have cared less. Frustration and anger boiled up inside him.

'Damn him… He probably only did _that _because he felt sorry for me.'

A hard bitter knot formed in Neji's throat. Everyone tended to pity him. Naruto did.

Neji caught sight of himself in the mirror through the glass shower door. The green seal seemed to stand out more than ever. He cursed, and averted his eyes. Neji tended to avoid mirrors. He hated seeing the proof of his own weakness, branded in to his skin, for everyone to see.

He got out of the shower, toweling himself dry, wringing his hair out over the sink.

Tugging on a bathrobe, he walked towards his bed, and for distraction he began to finish off his last mission report.

A soft knock resounded in the silence.

"Come in."

The door slid open, and Hinata walked in.

"Neji-nii-san… W-where… Where did you and S-Shikamaru-kun get to? You… You didn't come back… Shikamaru-kun s-said… You had a headache…"

_'Oh, he did, did he?'_

"Yes. I had a headache. No need for concern. I'm just tired."

At this Hinata revealed a small cup of tea, which she had been concealing from view.

"I… I made you s-some tea… It helps you sleep."

"I don't need it."

"Oh… I'm sorry, I'll just let you f-finish your r-report."

As she left Hinata felt a horrible twisted knot form in her throat. Her eyes misted over with the effort of attempting to swallow the tangled emotions.

**…**

This was just Neji's luck. He stood stolidly in front of the Hokage, attempting to fight the urge to growl in frustration. He was being sent on a three-man mission, with Naruto and worst of all with Shikmaru.

"It's an A-Rank mission, and though it seems simple enough, I want you to be on your guard." Tsunade gazed momentarily at Neji, an unreadable expression lingering in her honey-coloured eyes.

"Yes, Tsuande-sama."

"I want you all to be out of Konoha this evening."

"Yes, Tsunade-sama."

And with that, Neji left to pack his bags, frustration boiling in his chest.

_'Kumogakure. Two rebels from Kumogakure.'_ Neji didn't care about killing them. They were after all, from the village who killed his father.

**…**

Shikamaru frowned. The mission seemed simple enough, but it wasn't his sort of mission. They had to assassinate two rebels who had defected from Kumogakure. Shikamaru didn't like blood spill, and he liked it even less when a specific reason wasn't given for why they should die. It was somewhat morbid.

**…**

Evening came all too soon for Neji.

"Neji!" Neji closed his eyes, begging for patience.

"Yes, Naruto?"

"It's just good to see you, I haven't seen you in a while what with…" a taught moment of silence stretched, the unspoken word left cracks in the conversation; Sasuke. "What with… one thing and another."

"I'm sure you've been busy Naruto." Neji in reality wanted to punch the blond. Naruto had promised to change the Hyuuga clan and he was too busy trying to rescue Sasuke, to turn around and ask Neji how he was doing.

"Where's Shikamaru?" Naruto asked, in need of distraction.

"He's late."

"I am not." Shikamaru trudged lazily up towards the gate, smoking a cigarette.

"You are."

"By two minutes."

"Two and a half actually."

"Whatever."

Neji narrowed his eyes. A cloud of cigarette smoke wafted annoyingly in his direction.

"Would you put out that cancer stick?"

Shikamaru gazed appraisingly at Neji before throwing the offending cigarette away.

Naruto watched the exchange, frowning. It was like watching a war of who had the most power.

"Let's head out."

…

Neji was first on watch duty. His eyes stung with lack of sleep, and to keep himself awake he lay down and counted the stars.

An unpleasant smell of burning tobacco told him Shikamaru was awake.

"Would you please, put the cigarette out?"

"No."

Neji narrowed his eyes against the smoke.

The smell of cigarette increased.

Neji sat up.

Shikamaru sat only a few feet away form him.

"Would you kindly not sneak up on me?"

"I'm not sneaking up on anyone, I'm just sitting here."

Neji scoffed in disbelief.

A silence stretched between the two.

Then, "Shikamaru… Why did you do it?"

"I swear I've had this conversation before."

"You didn't answer me before."

"There isn't an answer. I don't know why I did it."

"Right. So you did it for the hell of it?"

Now, Neji sounded bitter.

"No. You just… You just kinda screw me up I guess." Shikamaru blew a make-shift cloud in to the darkness.

Neji's eyes widened somewhat.

"What do you mean?"

"I don't really know. You just really, really mess me up." And now Shikamaru sounded frustrated.

A shifting told Neji Shikamaru was edging closer towards him. Neji froze, ready to strike out. But suddenly shadowy eyes blocked his vision.

A hand strayed to his cheek, tracing his cheekbone and brushing a strand of chocolate coloured hair out of the way.

"I don't get you, Neji. You really… Really mess me up."

A thud in the hard ground next to Neji caught them both of guard. A shuriken was embedded in the earth.

They sprang apart, scanning their surroundings for anything out of the ordinary.

"Naruto." Neji hissed the name.

"Naruto! Wake _up_."

"You won't be able to wake him like that." Shikamaru put in helpfully.

A glare was sent his way.

"Charming."

Another shrill whooshing sound and a shuriken was again, embedded in the floor, inches away from where Neji's foot was placed. Neji jumped backwards.

"Byakugan!" Neji scanned the area. Nothing. He looked up, just in time. Another Shuriken was sent soaring straight towards his face. Neji jumped out of the way.

"NARUTO!"

"Hmm?" A sleepy-eyed Uzumaki stuck his head out of the tent.

"We're being attacked, now would you kindly get your behind out of that tent." As Neji spoke four more Shuriken were sent his way, Neji moved just in time, landing gracefully on his feet.

He stared at the Shuriken embedded in the ground. The ground around them was slowly deteriorating, eaten away by some kind acidic poison.

"Shikamaru!"

"I know." The Nara was already on the alert.

"They're in the sky, Shikamaru!"

Shikamaru cursed.

"Great, just great."

Six Shuriken were sent in Shikamaru's direction. He dodged, but only just. His sleeve was hissing unpleasantly, being eaten away by the poison. A burn mark was left etched in to his skin.

Naruto yelled out.

It happened in a rush.

At least fourty Shuriken were sent flying Neji's direction, he attempted to activate his rotation, but was stopped when something came crashing in to him.

Neji opened his eyes. A warmth surrounded his body shielding him.

"Sh-Shikamaru?"

The Nara coughed. Blood trickled down from his mouth. Neji kicked the Nara off of him, and rolled Shikamaru on to his back. A Shiriken could be seen embedded in Shikamaru's side.

Neji pulled the Shuriken out.

"Naruto! Would you please tend to Shikamaru, the medical box is in the te-"

He was cut off by a laugh.

"Nadeshiko, look what we have here… A Hyuuga!"

A female voice was heard.

"Really? We could get us an eye!"

Neji felt a rage build up inside his chest. Cloud ninjas wanted his eyes. Again. Like they had wanted them sixteen and a half years ago.

A female appeared, obviously Nadeshiko, leaning casually against a tree trunk.

She was tall, and had long red hair, which was tied up in a pony tail. Her blue eyes glinted maliciously.

"Kouhei, come down from there."

A man, not much older than they were landed next to her. They were obviously siblings. His eyes took in the scene, Naruto administering pain killers and antibiotics to a wounded Shikamaru, and Neji, poised to attack.

"So you're the ninjas sent to kill us are you?"

Neji did not say anything. If these were the two they were meant to assassinate, they were doing an extremely poor job.

'_Why the _hell_ did Shikamaru have to do that? I was doing fine, he's endangered the mission, because of some idiotic notion of chivalry.'_

"I guess he's the quiet type, maybe we should help him talk?" Identical grins stretched across the sibling's faces.

**…**

"Want to know the real reason you three were sent on this wild goose chase?"

Naruto and Neji had both sustained heavy injuries and were having trouble breathing regularly.

Neji could guess.

"We wanted your eyes. Daichi, who wanted this mission done, requested a Hyuuga especially. I guess your Hokage saw through the plan, and sent a Branch. We can't get your eyes. The Byakugan gets sealed when you die. You're _worthless_."

Neji felt anger build up against Tsunade. She knew…

"I guess… We'll have to kill you!" Kouhei smiled, but his icy blue eyes gave nothing away.

Neji couldn't move, a poison had been spreading through his body for while now, paralyzing his muscles.

He watched helplessly as a Kouhei advanced on him, dagger in one hand. He felt his hair being pulled and a dagger being pressed to his throat. Neji waited for the pain to come.

Naruto was attempting to break free of the grip Nadeshiko had on him.

"Now watch as your friend dies."

"Neji! NEJI!"

Nothing happened.

"W-what the… H-hell?"

Kouhei was frozen in place.

"S-sorry it took so long.. f-for me to do something… How t-troublesome."

Neji let out the breath he'd been holding.

Their shadows were all leading back to Shikamaru. It looked somewhat eerie.

Shikamaru moved his arms outwards, releasing Neji and Naruto from the deadly grip held on them.

"Naruto, would you please…"

A silent appeal.

Naruto knocked them both unconscious.

They fell to the floor, puppets cut from their strings.

"Should we kill them?" Naruto was the one to ask the question on everyone's minds.

Neji coughed. Blood stained the ground.

Shikamaru held him steady, and handed Neji pain killers and antidotes.

Neji swallowed the small tablets. His vision slowly became sharper.

Naruto gazed at the two of them.

"Shikamaru…?" Naruto sounded small.

Shikamaru gazed at the two ninjas. On the one hand their mission would have been a failure, but on the other hand, they had discovered the real motive for the two being sent after them, and for the two acting as a red herring in order to obtain what they wanted.

"No. It's true we underestimated them a great deal, but if we kill them it would be pointless. We've just gained a great deal of information and I think that's enough for Tsunade. We're leaving."

Neji nodded.

**…**

They weren't far from Konoha but they had decided to stay at an inn, mainly because Naruto was hungry, but also because they had all wanted showers.

The balcony gave Shikamaru space to breath, and so that is where he sat watching the sky, contemplating.

Shikamaru swallowed another anti-dote pill, and lit a cigarette.

"Shikamaru."

"Neji." Shikamaru did not even need to look around to know who it was.

Neji sat down next to Shikamaru, and gazed quietly at the moon.

"Shikamaru, why did you throw yourself in the way of those Shuriken. I could have protected myself fine. It wasn't necessary."

Shikamaru blew smoke out in to the night sky.

"Shikamaru…"

"I don't know. I panicked. I guess… I was scared you'd get hurt."

"You're so stupid."

"Thanks."

A companionable silence stretched between them

Neji was feeling drowsy when Shikamaru moved to face him.

"Neji…"

Neji froze, alert. He knew that voice. Knew that voice from when they had kissed.

"You can't do this. I'm getting married in six months. You'll get yourself hurt…"

"I don't care. I should have done this a while ago Neji."

Shikamaru bent his face towards Neji's.

It was gentle. An innocent kiss.

Neji's eyes slid slowly shut. Kissing felt like flying.

Shikamaru's hand gripped Neji's, their fingers intertwined.

Neji wondered idly, how it was possible that two hands could fit so perfectly. Every line, every bone, every small detail flawlessly matched. It was peculiar how holding Shikamaru's hand made him feel so complete.

And when they broke apart, Neji did not let Shikamaru's hand go. Neji did not get angry or tell Shikamaru to back off, he stayed still, completely calm, and lent on Shikamaru's shoulder, a crutch when the rest of the world sent him falling down.


End file.
